What Kind of Heart?

What kind of heart goes through its own pain and looks away when other hearts are bleeding? Life is hard. It rips you to shreds and beats your left over pieces into the dirt sometimes. Other times it lifts you up on the current of the free flowing wind and lets you glide the ride. I've come out of a dark tunnel that I never stopped searching for the light in. It was gruesome but I never quit looking for the end and the light. The Lord was always there. He's the only thing I never let go of all while shedding the things I needed to let go of to get to the end of this particular season. Now that I'm through it, I've noticed other bleeding hearts finding their way into my life. To heal, to fix, to mend? I don't quite think it's those things I'm supposed to do for them. Guide and encourage? Yes!  We are all busy. We have jobs, families, meetings, plans, volunteering, obligations, friends, church, practices, projects, bills, and priorities. All of which take our full attention. All those things loaded onto a person who's in pain can be crippling! All those things loaded onto a person who half way has their life and emotional well being together is still severely hard! But, what kind of a heart goes through its own pain and looks away when other hearts are bleeding?  We have no idea where the other person is in their pain. No, we don't own it. It is not ours to carry. We do not hold a complete responsibility to fix anyone else's pain! But, what kind of a heart goes through its own pain and looks away when other hearts are bleeding? We may have something very important in front of us in a moment that requires our attention. Something that you may even have repercussions from if you take your attention away from it and give your time and attention in that moment to another bleeding heart. But, what kind of a heart goes through its own pain and looks away when other hearts are bleeding? Is it worth it to sacrifice a priority or obligation for a few moments to help comfort a soul in pain? What is that moment of relief worth to a person in pain? Priceless, maybe! So, what kind of a heart goes through its own pain and looks away when other hearts are bleeding? Not mine! Will yours?

Do you have a simple plan?

One that only you understand?

Do you have a grateful life?

One you can be proud of inside?

Do you have a loving heart?

One that helps others start?

Do you have a peaceful mind?

One which your soul combines?

Do you have moving feet?

Ones that carry you through defeat?

Do you have a pure name?

One that doesn't bring you shame?

Do you have the life you want?

One that doesn't put up a front?

Do you know how to let it all go?

Caring not of what you think you know?

These are questions inside of me!

As strong as the current in the deep blue sea!

You gave me intuition to know what I am missing.

You help guide me through the storm that is twisting.

In You I find all the answers I'm needing.

Your peace and love are always fulfilling!

(BTW..Still trying to love with feet. Walking out my days without shoes on. Feeling, baring, loving, living and giving.. Just not posting as much about it lol. I'm still here folks. Living it all out one day at a time, holding His hand.)

~MO

Waiting on God

A while back I had to take my son Tyson to the doctor for a swollen knee. Each step kept getting scarier. The doctor lead to the ER. The ER lead to tests and X-rays. Test and X-rays lead to another test to get fluid out of his knee that was infected.  That lead to surgery to clean it out which lead to a week in the hospital which lead to Tyson having Lyme disease. But that is not what this story is about! Tyson is well and healed and thankfully so! What I didn't realize was that while God was taking care of my son he was also taking care of ME! During surgery they sent us to the wrong waiting room and we waited much longer than we should have in and it was eerily quiet. No one was around. No one called us when our son was out of surgery! When I called them they said my number was disconnected which it was not! Just a mess of a long long moment of waiting! When I got there I saw a toy that had three scriptures written on it.  When I saw the toy I was at a point in my life where I was begging God to let me out of it. I was deeply hurting. I was tired. Forcing smiles. Sad. Just about hopeless! I felt utterly alone and only felt His presence in worship and song. I was walking a dangerous line with my emotions. The educated Christian in me knew He was there but the fleshly emotional me just couldn't feel Him. I "prayed" ,more like begged, that God would open my eyes to understand and see. "Why God, can't you hear me!? Aren't you there?", I would say! Being at this point and acting this way in my life I couldn't figure out what the world those scriptures were on that toy in front of me for. They didn't make sense to me for the situation at the time being there in the hospital with my son. Because, you know like we all do, we think everything has to have a meaning and a reason why it happened or why it's there so when we can't find one we are disappointed! I decided just to take a picture of the toy.  Life went on. Tyson got better as I kept  believing he would and I was still trudging forward. We began a bible study called A Woman's Heart about the tabernacle at church and around the same time Pastor spoke a sermon that broke my toes! It was on how to pray! He basically told me that I was belly aching when I prayed and didn't use my authority and he was right!  He explained How we already know God wants our Healing but that He needs us to work with Him and speak it. Don't beg God to do it, it's already been done! But instead agree with Him and speak the authority He already gave us against the things we pray for. So after that I began to pray differently! Saying, "God I thank you for giving me eyes that see! I thank you that I will have open eyes to see what I need to, to see and hear you more." I began to pray and say "I call my heart and mind healed, whole, clear and happy."At that same time the sermon happened a part of the bible study rocked my world. It allowed me to open my heart and forgive a person in my life I had been denying I even needed to forgive. I remind you this study is about how God made a place to meet with His people, the tabernacle. It's been about walking through the wilderness and Him showing us things and guiding us along the way but yet we can still be so blind. Even so, He is still there every step of the way! Every single heart wrenching, heavy step!! Okay back to the toy in the waiting room with the scriptures. After that time had passed I was feeling better about life and my walk with God. I was seeing clearer, feeling not so alone, and praying with intent instead of grumbling. I happened to come across the picture I took of the toy and I read the scriptures again. Revelation 21: 3,4 was the last scripture on that toy and it was for me! It says this; And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” (‭Revelation‬ ‭21‬:‭3-4‬ NKJV) He was after me in the wilderness! It was right there for me to see but I was blind in the waiting room! (Hmm isn't that interesting I was waiting on God to do something within me in that waiting room and I missed it then,  BUT He was STILL there! I was the one who wasn't there!) Not until I began to move with Him and walk the rest of the road in the wilderness out instead of waiting on Him would that click with me. I am still in awe at the things He did and He does for me and I say right now that you will have clear hearts, eyes and minds to see the works He's doing for you too in Jesus name!  I hope this has blessed you! Have a wonderful weekend! 

It's okay to wear shoes sometimes!

I always seem to shy away from keeping this blog up. Life grabs hold of you and it doesn't let go. Even still I try to keep a sharp mind about me when it comes to walking without shoes. I have found though that if you walk without shoes, any shoes what so ever for too long of a period of time...you hurt your feet. Or in less metaphorical terms, your heart. I often wonder why it is that I was called to set out on this journey. At first I thought it was to help others, and of course it's always about helping others, but what I have come to realize is that it was also a lesson in how to take care of myself as well. Let me explain. 

When I started this blog I was at a high point in my life. Things were looking up. I came up and out of a dark place in my life realizing that I had what it took to do what I could to give back to His people. My career was looking up, my relationship with God was turning out to be out of this world (ha! excuse me while I giggle at my unintentional pun), and I had a heart on fire for wanting others to feel the peace and joy that I had in my soul. I was finding things that I loved again and sharing them with people I loved in the very same moment! I was on a mission, staying busy, living life, giving all of me to humanity, wanting others to have what I had which was God's love. That is a GREAT and AWESOME thing to do and way to be but... 

Once you walk for so long without shoes, giving all you can as you walk along in life, you eventually start to wear down. Your feet begin to have cracks in them. They begin to get dirty and dry. Shriveling up until you just can't walk anymore. My mistake is and was that I just kept going. Not paying any attention to what was happening to me. Not caring that it was me who was getting hurt. Not stopping to rest, cleanse, and mend the cracks. I'm realizing that I started out wanting to mend all others cracks, giving them rest, helping them cleanse. I never realized that if I did that for too long without caring for myself that I would end up just like them. Needing help too. Finding myself back in the dark place I came out of. Here's the kicker, I kept lying to myself saying that, "I didn't need the rest". That denying myself care was giving true love to others. "There are too many things to do." "I could do it!" "I had it handled." "I could keep going forever like this." I could bare what I had to to make sure that I was doing what needed to be done to love on people. But with every crack, every new day without rest or cleansing I became bitter. I became bruised, sad, hurt, and broken. Imagine walking every day with all of those feelings and still trying to give what you had. Are your really giving anything good? Or are you seeping your hurt onto others at that point? 

My plan of action was never to hurt anyone. To always show that I cared but I ended up doing just the opposite of that after a certain point. Was I hurting strangers that I was giving to and helping? No. Did people in my church family seem to be hurting because I kept volunteering? No. It was myself and my closest loved ones that were being hurt. Seeing the ugly side of me with all the bruises and cracks. Lashing out in pain. That was never my intention. That's when I realized I had to take a step or two backward, put my shoes back on and re evaluate what I was trying to do and how I wanted to accomplish it. It was tough taking a look in the mirror and realizing that the good you wanted to spread was turning into bad because I didn't want to stop and take care of myself.

My point to this blog entry and of this entire blog was to share my story. My journey on how to walk in love. I'm hear to tell you that I've learned an enormous life lesson! Stop to rest. Stop to mend your wounds. Stop to wash off all the dirt that falls on you from putting yourself in positions to get down and dirty to love on others. Don't deny yourself the same love you want to give others. YOU (I) deserve it too! Now if that's not a message of love I'm not sure what is. Happy traveling without shoes my fellow servants of love and remember to wear them when you NEED to! 

~Megs

Spinning

Well. My journey on A Day Without Shoes has been ongoing even though I haven't kept up with it here. Life has been spinning so fast that I have not had a chance to catch up with my thoughts. I have deep soul baring thoughts and emotions that are screaming to get out its been so long since I have written. The last 6, 8 months or so have been a whirl wind of change. I feel unsteady and about to fall any minute. I feel like I have walked without shoes for so long that now I need to put some back on and focus on me. But only for a second.................. Ahhhh. That's better! I'm writing and thinking. Which is what I love to do. Now back to the journey...

 I once told a friend that I wanted the super power of reading everyone's minds. That I would LOVE to know what everyone thought so I could know the reasoning behind their actions and words. I thought that would be very helpful on my journey. That I would have an advantage at knowing what people were going through so I could control how I treated them better. This friend told me it would break my heart. That I wouldn't be able to bare it for long. I got a glimpse into some peoples minds not long after that conversation and you know what? They were right. You know something else? I'm a sucker for punishing myself and I still want that super power. I think that if I could somehow make everyone else on this planet just a tad bit happier then it would be worth sacrificing my own happiness. That's what choices are all about right? No matter what choice you make in life there are reasoning's behind it. If I could see everyone's reasons I could make sure that I could do whatever it was that I could to make sure they wouldn't have to use their reasons. Because we all know that if they thought differently about their reasons they may do things differently. Or better yet if I were ever part of the reason they would or would not do what they truly wanted to do then I could help with that too.  I can hear a certain family member of mine saying that is your co-dependent mentality speaking right there! (Thanks Beth! lol) I know I need to accept the things I can not change and have the courage to change the things I can. I know that having these thoughts won't change the fact that I truly can't control or change what other people do or don't do or think or don't think but they are nice thoughts to have. Thoughts of being a super hero! The super hero of love and happiness! Wishes that will never come true which I do realize. I am glad that I am aware of this and have people I can talk to about it.

Okay, so what do I do from here. How do I cope with the fact that I can't have these powers? How do I cope with the fact that life isn't always what we want it to be or how we want it to be. How do I cope with the fact that I can't make everyone happy even if I try walking in their shoes to see how I can change myself to better the world? I keep trudging through life with my God by my side. I talk to Him, let Him speak to me, and feel Him there with me. Hold His hand and let Him carry my foot steps. Because when all is said and done that's where I'll be. With Him. This is not easy. This is something that a lot of people do not agree with. But that's okay. I'm used to being the weird one anyway lol.

Until next time.. think about what super power you would like to have and why you would like to have it? How would you use it and what would you be using it for? To better the world? Or your own benefit? Or both? Either way what are you going to do with what you got to make this world a better place to live?

<3
Megs

Who are we who judge?

"Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Nobody knows what we're for only what we're against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did"

These are some words from a song that I really love. Words so powerful and true!

This is also a great quote:

“Who are you to judge the life I live?
I know I'm not perfect
-and I don't live to be-
but before you start pointing fingers...
make sure your hands are clean!”

Most of us know who the second one is by. A lot less of us know where the first one comes from. These two quotes are from very different worlds but share common ground on a very strong issue. Lots of people use the Bob Marley quote to justify their wrong behavior in some way. Not saying that's how he intended it (I love me some Bob!) and definitely not how I take it but its like people use it to put things back on the other person who is judging if you will. The other quote is as if we are accepting that we all judge. Since we are not perfect I've learned that I'm gonna judge and so saying to someone else "make sure your hands are clean before you judge" is like a parent telling their child not to do something knowing good and well that they did it to when they were kids. It is a great lesson to teach but something that was no way possible for us to avoid doing ourselves. So what do we do? How do we avoid it? Take the last line of the first quote for example. Put down all our differences and cross over. Spend time in the others state of feelings and or way of life and learn to love them! This is not the same as agreeing with them or practicing what you may not like about them, it is simply caring for them as a human being and loving them. I also love the second line of the first quote because in the smokey air of judging someone else all that person see's is what we don't like or what would be the negative to them. They don't see our good side and what we may both like or agree on. It makes me sad that both sides can be so blind.

I realize that  I have a whole array of friends and family who read this. Some of you know each other and most of you don't. Some of you are from opposite sides of the spectrum and others of you are in the middle like me. Either way I wanted to share with you who actually was able to do the things we wish we could. Jesus! Now before some of you say whoa Megan I'm done reading your blog, hear me out. I normally wouldn't say something like this but I am coming into my own and finally learning how to be free, to be me in my whole walking without shoes journey. Anyway what I was saying was, He loved everyone no matter what. Always! Now like I said some of you may believe in Him some of you may not. So even if all of us who do believe in Him were wrong and He is just another story, (which I believe in him with my whole heart) isn't it an amazing one that we could use as a basis on how we should treat one another? Recently I have learned who He actually was/is and not who I thought or what society now days portrays Him to be. I've started doing my homework and all in all Jesus is an awesome guy! Never hurt anyone, never said a mean thing to anyone, and loved everyone for who they were. He even took all the reticule  and hatred that He was given and made it positive. Now who of you doesn't want to know someone like that? Anyway my point is that we will struggle on our walks with no shoes but we can hold on to the little quotes we find and the role models we choose to be like and follow them and ask for help cause lord knows this is hard to do on our own. We may find them in different places but no matter the place we find them most of us want the same thing. Hence my two different quotes above.

 So my hope for the moment, as I journey forward, for myself and all of you is that we can: "Open our eyes to the end of our pointing fingers and make sure our hands (or feet) get clean in the end" I love you guys! <3

Where The Heart Is

Hi!

I know it has been way tooooo long! I just got back from Somotillo Nicaragua last Saturday night. It was amazing! Since it has been so long since I have made a post I thought what better thing to write about other than my trip! :)

 My heart is torn. My whole thing of walking without shoes has an entire different meaning now. I knew there were people in the world who didn't have shoes but WOW! Nicaragua is the second poorest country beside Haiti being the first. All that "poorness" aside though they are one of the richest countries I have ever seen with LOVE! They stole my heart! Now that I am back I feel like a piece of me is missing. I also felt a piece of me missing while I was there since my boys were home. The funny thing is that no matter where I am I guess I will always have a sense of brokenness in my heart. My father always used to say to me "Megan! Never give your whole heart away" I am finding that more and more hard to do the older I get. I have bits and pieces of my heart in many different places but the one thing that makes it feel whole is to know that God has placed these places and people in my life for a reason and that my heart has become a puzzle for a reason. I guess my whole puzzle piece of a heart can be placed back together again when I get to Heaven. :) Seeing the whole picture one day will be one amazing site!

While I was in Nicaragua it was so refreshing to not have to ever think of all the judgmental things that people always talk about here. My past and just being a creature of habit tried to bring all that negativity with me but I was quickly taught that its not like that there. Or at least what I experienced wasn't. We looked different from each other and even spoke a different language but we both still felt the language of love and music. I did learn a few words in Spanish and some of them knew a little bit of English.  Enough to get me by to; one be able to communicate that "Jesus is the light" (Jesús es la luz) to the people in the villages, and two; to  be able to haggle with the shop keepers at the airport after all our interpreters had left us.

While I was struggling to handle holding the glow in the dark tattoos I brought them and the water and cloth to put them on their arms at the same time a young lady said no words. She just saw my need and began to help me. She would pour the water on the cloth when I needed it and would open the tattoo packages when I needed it as well. She waited patiently while all the other children got one and then it was time to go. Since she showed me such kindness I couldn't leave without giving her one so while we were praying I quickly gave her one! (sshh! Don't tell anyone I wasn't paying attention to the prayer that one time!)

At another village called "Ojoche" I got to sing during a Sunday afternoon church service. I was very nervous and just knew it was going to go terribly. I was so wrong! They liked my song just as much as I loved theirs. There were some boys that were clapping along to all the songs that were played that day and they were reallly getting into it! I loved knowing that even though we couldn't understand each others words we could understand the wonderful feeling that music has to offer us.

As the week went on I began to get very sad. I didn't want to leave these beautiful people behind. We had so much to offer each other. At one point on the van going back to Managua we stopped to let one of our translators out so he could catch another bus back to his home town. I didn't realize we were saying goodbye to him before we got back to the city. Since I was already sad in the first place when he got out of the van I just broke down. His name was Roger and he is a wonderful guy! So willing to help whenever and wherever needed. He always made sure we were all together keeping a head count on us. Making sure we didn't forget anything and just truly a nice guy! I enjoyed getting to know him in the little bit of time I did even if wasn't his whole life story I learned enough about him to know I gained a friend. All the interpreters were AMAZING people! I came to love them all and can not wait to see them again next year!

 I hated leaving but was VERY happy to give my boys a HUGE hug! Now that I am back in the states I can't wait to go back to Nicaragua and give them a HUGE hug! I guess this will be a beautiful never ending circle of life, love, and compassion. I have only just begun to tell you about my trip but there is just no way to get it all out in one go so  till next time I leave you with a few of my favorite pics from the trip. Hope you enjoy!

PEACE!

No shoes for my Birthday

Today, the day after my birthday I am going to share with you something I normally would not share with anyone. In the past I would just keep it to myself. Well not today. :) Yesterday I woke up in a good mood of course because of what day it was but my mood quickly turned from there. I became sad and my feelings got hurt. My son's didn't tell me Happy Birthday (which told me that my husband must not have reminded them) and my husband took well until I was just about to walk out the door to mention it and when my son's finally did figure out it was my birthday my youngest said "well fine then NOT happy birthday to you" because I wouldn't let him go outside and play when it was time to be getting ready and eating breakfast. Needless to say I suddenly became bummed out. Feeling down on myself I set out to work saying a prayer that my day would turn around. It took getting through the day to realize how crucial it is to pay attention to your emotions because they are actually indicators not dictators. Indicators on how you feel so you can sort through them and feel better NOT to dictate how the rest of your day will go. In the past I would dwell on the emotions I felt that morning allll day long. Not now! I started to realize this when some people very dear to me gave me a mug for my birthday. The mug had a saying on it that said: "this is my wish for you: comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, hugs when spirits sag, sunsets to warm your heart, friendships to brighten your being, beauty for your eyes to see, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, patience to accept the truth, courage to know yourself, and love to complete your life." I immediately felt an array of emotions.  I felt Disappointment in myself on how I had felt about my loved ones actions that morning, Love for having such amazing people in my life, and I felt determination that I would learn from my morning by realizing that if I could just remind myself daily that the wish this person had for me is the same wish I have for my family and others that I may not have reacted the way I did over their actions. If I could apply those wishes to my own life and wish them for myself then I could change the way my feelings make me behave. I miss judged my family that morning. I miss judged that my husband forgot my birthday when in reality he was still waking up and in the bed when I left and my children, well I remind them lots of things daily and they still forget. My youngest was only doing the same thing I was doing and letting his emotion dictate instead of indicate. (I learned that I must work on that with my children) I let my emotions dictate how the rest of my day would go instead of letting them be an indicator on how I needed to change myself for the better. It took one simple special gift to teach me a huge lesson that I thought I already knew. I knew how I felt about my family and my wishes for them but I needed to exercise it and my internal problems hindered me from that. I realized for the first time in my life that I had not been walking bare foot with my family. I have been trying my hardest to do this with the rest of the world not realizing that I was leaving some very special people out on my mission. I vowed to myself that I would no longer exclude them on my journey to walk barefoot.

Yesterday ended up being a awesome day! Although I received lots of love and gifts from a lot of rockin people that I love dearly the biggest and best gift I received on my birthday was from myself and it was yet another grand lesson on walking barefoot.